To everyone I know and love,

It has been 6 1/2 months since I was diagnosed with cancer, and the time has now come for me to sit and write a letter to all of you. A letter of Love, Gratitude, and some information about how I am doing now.

For some, this letter may have come sooner than they had expected, and for others, a little late.

But for me, the time is now. Not a minute sooner, not a moment later. To those of you that were wondering, thank you for your concern and infinite patience!

I never thought that my existence here would be terribly important to anyone, I feel so blessed and comforted to have you all in my life. We are all so blessed. What an amazing gift we have been given. Each Other.

I have learned so much in such a short period of time, and am still VERY MUCH "in school", that it seems impossible to tell you everything, but I will try to tell you the things that have been important and life affirming for me in the last several months, and give you an update as to what is happening with me now.

The first thing that I have learned is that if nothing else, a life threatening disease like cancer will get you fucking present, in your body, in the moment, right here right NOW like NOTHING else that I have experienced in this lifetime. Truly amazing. It allowed me to go inward, which is something that I was never very prolific at. Those that know me well, know that I am usually an "outward" kind of guy. It's the performer in me, and one of the millions of masks that I wear to keep myself separate from myself and my usefulness to others. Those that know me REALLY well, know that this kind of contemplation was WAY over due. So that's exactly what I did. I went "inside" as much as I have been able to. I separated myself in order to have a LONG OVERDUE conversation with myself. (We are still talking, by the by. The conversation is getting interesting).

I moved to Atherton shortly before my treatment started, as an Angel just happened to fall into my lap. She is a friend of a friend. A cancer survivor herself. She handed me the keys to her amazingly beautiful home and said, "Here. HEAL!", and then she went to France to live.

I went through my radiation treatment at Stanford every day for almost two months, and at the same time was at Valley Medical Center once a week for chemo. For those of you that want the gory details, yes...it was fairly painful and ugly, but it is amazing how resilient the human spirit is. I was scared first, sick later, and glad it is over now. That's it in a nutshell. The last several months have been about healing. The radiation to my throat was pretty damaging, and has taken a while to recover just normal functions like swallowing, saliva function, taste, etc. It is a VERY slow recovery process, but is getting better everyday. I was on a diet for months of "Ensure", and am now eating some solid food everyday! (MAN the shit I took for granted!). I had my feeding tube removed about 2 months ago and am eating everything by mouth now.

I have lost a LOT of weight. Over 75 pounds, but hey, as Larry told me... "You WERE kind of chubby Curtis, you needed to lose it!" Ahhhhhh.... more blessings.

Now? Well... I am starting to get out and about everyday and it feels really good. I have been "showing up". Fuck! I missed you guys!

How is the Cancer? Gone. GONE.

For now I get tested every few weeks, and hopefully it stays away. I will keep you posted. Call me cured if you want. Call me in "remission". I don't care. Just do me a favor, please? If someone asks you how I am doing? Tell them that the cancer is gone. GONE. And tell them that the power of love did it. Wanna see some magic? You just did. Wanna see a miracle? There it is. Did you see it? I did. Fucking brilliant. And I am grateful beyond measure.

To my Dad, thanks for telling me you were proud of me. You always were, and told me so all the time, but before I couldn't hear it. I was too angry. I wanted things to look differently. They do now. I love you, and NO I will NOT play cribbage with you! :)

To my Mom, NOBODY else is allowed to rub my back while I am throwing up except you. (Sorry everyone?!?!) I loved sitting and painting pictures with you while I couldn't talk. Could we PLEASE do that again sometime? Soon? I would love that.

To Andi, thank you for seeing me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being afraid for me. Thank you for holding me while I cried. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for pushing me harder and harder to stop complaining and get on with it. Thank you for listening to me for endless hours of brutal insane drama nonsense. Thank you for wanting to make love with me when I felt like the ugliest man in the entire world. But most of all, thank you for being my partner through what hopefully is an experience that we will only have had once in this lifetime. A sacred moment, if you will. Thank you, Andi for showing up when I needed you most. I will always love you.

To my brother Glen. Oh boy Oh boy oh boy. We did it this time. Connected even more than we ever have. I have more fondness and genuine care for you than I could have imagined one could have for another. Thank you brother for EVERYTHING!

To Heidi Hi Hi Hi. Thank you for the energy energy energy energy energy energy energy energy. You never had to do a thing for me to see you, and your integrity, and your brilliance. I have adored you since the day we met. Thank you from the bottom of my SOUL for doing everything in your power to make sure I was taken care of. Thank you for Solstinox. Watch closely, Heidi... this one isn't finished being written yet....

To Mary... Thanks for working hard at keeping this friendship... it's been worth it, huh??? The best is yet to come...

HEY KARIE..... I love you! Thanks for being worried, for keeping your eye on the road, and being there for me when I was REALLY sick....now get over here and PICK UP YOUR FUCKING LOTIONS! :)

To Marian... I have searched my whole life for a friend like you. One who doesn't need a thing from the other. The ease in which we have done this dance together is a testament to true loving presence between strangers. WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? (meow)

To all of you who helped Heidi put on Solstinox.... And to those of you who CAME to Solstinox....., what the FUCK you guys????? That was AMAZING!!! Can we do that EVERY year for someone else each time? Count ME in! It helped me so much in so many ways! Took the heat off financially, helped me to remain strong. But lets face it people, it wasn't about "Curtis". Because you and I both know that as long as we can use our creative energy to benefit something in need, anything, we serve ourselves, and the world around us greatly, in the most profound ways. I am grateful for what you all did for me. Beyond words. But I must say, that if my cancer gave us a reason and permission to start and CONTINUE to serve something OTHER than ourselves? Then it was ALL worth it. I love you guys. Thanks!

To ALL of Burning Silicon, when I moved out here last year, I didn't really know why I had come. I arrived with a loud voice. Some of you embraced me, others felt a bit put off. But when I got scared, you circled the wagons around me, told me I was safe, and showed me the way home. Thank you forever for teaching me about community and family. YAY! Thanks you guys. I love you all.

To my best friend Arthur. Where do I begin. You have been my best friend since we were kids, and I feel like we are just getting started. So much to do, so little time. NOBODY knows me like you, Artie. Sometimes that is an awfully vulnerable place for me to be with you, sometimes I don't like it, but I know you hold it with love. Thank you for helping me along my journey. Thank you for crying your own tears for my terror and fear. Thank you for reaching out to the world for some help and compassion for me, and, inevitably NOT just for me, but for us all. I am HONORED to be called your best friend. You and I made a pact when we were 16 to meet at a pre-described destination when we were 50. I have every intention of being there. I will NOT let you down. I love you Arthur. So much.

And last, but CERTAINLY the most important people of all... To all of those who have called themselves so lovingly, "Friends of Curtis", I want to tell you what happened to me when you were building that tribe... The doctors had given me pretty bad news, and I was not sure that I wanted to, nor had the strength to do all the things they wanted me to do to save my life. Radical neck dissection. Neck muscle removal. Radiation to the throat and mouth. Chemical injection into my blood. All with a strong possibility of dying anyway. I asked the doctors what would happen if I did nothing at all, and they told me I would be dead within 1-2 years. So, I started to look at ALL my options, including suicide. You see, I have never been afraid of dying. But I do NOT want to be sick, in bed, fighting for no reason. So, I went onto the internet, and typed in the search box "painless suicide methods". I came upon a site called the "Church of Euthanasia". I was frightened, alone, and very confused. They listed every form of suicide you can imagine, with the pros and cons. Everything from jumping off of a bridge to 20lb nitrous tanks (my personal fav). Simultaneously, I was getting e-mail after e-mail after e-mail from people I had not ever met before, sending love, hands of friendship, LOTS OF MONEY for my treatment and recovery, concern, love, more love... this amazing well of life force. Juicy, slobbery, fucking sexy ass LOVE! I decided INSTANTLY that I was going to have surgery and treatment, and, everyone who knows me well will tell you that I never talked of my "demise" again. You showed me how to feel like I was really worth something.

You saved my life.

I love you all so deeply for that, that I still cry when I think of what that felt like. My hope is that we will all continue to spread that kind of love around to each other ALL the time, for ANY reason, no matter WHO we are. For me, it's NOT "about the art, stupid". It's about the connection between us. The reflection. The mirror. The love.

The art, the party, the party etc... are just vehicles to get us to find each other, and ourselves. Thank you for teaching me this very valuable lesson. I am honored to be connected in this way to you all.

As far as singing goes... I cannot sing so well these days, but I am trying. My voice will surely be different. That's ok. I am different now too.

As a gift to you all, a song that I wrote as a right of passage some years ago. Put it to whatever music plays in your head, and if you see me on the playa, ask me. I would love to try to sing it for you. :)

DYING FLAME

Here we all sit. Here we remember.
Thinking of times that have come and gone.
And if we can choose to live in the moment,
The memories will fade like the dusk and the dawn.

I came to this place, with some trepidation.
The newness brought fear, in spite of each face.
You held out your arms, and wrapped me inside them.
Your warmth and your love cannot be replaced.

And if we all sing, and raise up our voices,
And try to see clearly the choices remained.
*Todah Adonai, who blows on the embers...
Blow life in this dying flame.


Hugs and Kisses,

Curtis



*(the God that IS us)